MANY THINGS ON THE HIGH HOLIDAYS

First up is the shopping. Its dangerous out there watch your back. If you have ever seen the pre x-mas shopping or the piling up on supplies for an expected snowstorm (which are shockingly crazy) it is those two combined. People screaming and running, stealing, pushing (this ain't helping you for the new year), children, guys on bluetooth, its all that in a crowded little spot with carts that don't fit the isles. People getting stepped on a tug-a-war for a little jar of honey or sugar, children crying for their mommies and men asking for the whole holiday list (which they forgot) on a cellphone. For a real good explanation on what happens checkout Frumcolleggirl she experienced the worst.

Then comes the Shuls. Over at Frumsatire he questions whether you should pay for seats if you are already a member. I don't know why and I think I agree that you shouldn't have to pay if you are already a member of the shul. Since I live in a community which really doesn't care about being a member to a certain shul, their is no doubt that you you pay for a seat. Then comes the aliyahs which are sold through a bidding. What happens if no one wants to buy an aliyah do they give em out for free?

I have heard that many shuls want an attraction to the shul for the High holidays. So they get a very good chazzan. My opinion on the chazzan is the better he is at chazzonus means the slower we go, now that's a big turn off for me. Dont know what the shuls are thinking. A good Shofar blower now that's an attraction the longer the Tekiah the better. I think it should be a halacha that you can only have a good shofar blower. If hes bad people will say loshon hara about him and that will ruin the chances of getting written in the good book.

After the holiday is over you have a new holiday to prepare for and only four days to do it. Sukkos. And you'll have fun finding the kosher esrog which maybe a little hard this year due to shmittah and building a temporary dwelling for yourself. Well to all have a happy healthy pre new year and (post) new year.

DONT USE THESE TERMS ON ME

You should know by now that I don't understand your mixed language, so please don't start using it when we learn. Words like Epis and shtickle don't help you in an interview (unless done with a chassidish employer). When I learn with you, use just the English language. I cant stand it, it bugs the heck out of me. I am not from a Yiddish speaking background I don't understand what point you are trying to make when you refer to things with these phrases.

After a while you used the word shtultz on me. I had no clue what you meant. At first I thought of it as if it meant a diss (a verbal offensive). Then you start hocking me up trying to explain what you really meant by it. It turns out it means to ignore someone. Now I ask couldn't you just say "ignore" instead of making me waste a few minutes to figure it out.

Words like lechaira and mashme are terms used in Meforshim like Tosfos not to tell to me about Sarah Palin's view on Israel and if its going to rain. Talking to me about politics and using these terms does not make me think you are a reliable source. Terms like Shanda, Mamish, Gevaldig, Shtim and many more like that get me thinking did you Drop out of high school and not learn the English language.

To my chavrusa just stop it. It doesn't make you a better person by using these terms.

POINTLESS BANS

There are so many bans that just weren't worth making. It could have been avoided just by the fact that there was already a ban on something else or on the same thing in a different way. A good pointless ban would be if I would ban using any types of motor vehicles as a use of transportation and then I go and ban cars. Throughout all the bans most are just the same in a different form.

The first of many pointless is the ban of cell phone Internet. Now anyone with at least the brains of a bird will tell you that the Internet on the phone is the same as the one on the computer. More on the Internet ban, there was banned (what you are reading right now) A BLOG, that's after the Internet was banned. The reason for it is, Blogs are only a lashon hara source. Then came MY space, youtube, facebook and many like this which were also banned.

Cell Phones themselves were banned. So now you can only have the most kosher of phones The kosher phone (certified with an OU made in a parve factory, The phone chocolate is OUD). That means No texts, No camera phones (especially video ones), No Internet. Why is texting bad what makes it wrong. Is it the fact that people don't spell correctly while texting? The yesivos nevr had uh probleam with speling rong. Camera Phones once again whats wrong with it? Maybe you'll take a picture of a non tzniyos woman. Well you can do that with a regular camera too. This is an example of another pointless ban and if they wanted a kosher phone just take away the Internet keep the texts and camera.Also this ban is one that has not been excepted by the Jewish community I see people on there blackberry's every few minutes.

Then they're bans that just never made had a basis. Banning the bike lanes in Williamsburg is a foolish one. First what are you going to do about it? Two what is there to ban, banning non Jews? Next up is an Israeli one. In Israel if you go to Kollel (I did not write learn in kollel for a reason) you are not allowed to learn how to drive a car and if you already know how to gezunte hait. The reason for it being maybe you will drive to a place a Jew shouldn't be in. You could walk there or take the Eged bus (really not getting this one). The texting and camera phone problem also falls into this category of Baseless Bans.

The triple filtered water washing lettuce is not a Baseless Ban. Its not necessary since we don't make a Gezeira on a Gezeira. First Gezeira being wash them they have bugs. Second is use triple filtered water. Also a practice in halacha is that if it (something we might object to) wasn't stopped when it began then we cant stop it now. The strawberries are subject to this category.

Pointless, Baseless, Non Necessary bans are whats driving people to think that our rabbanim have lost it. I heard once why they do this. The rabbanim don't really know whats going on but their people who tell them about these things distort it. You know whats a big Question after they banned all these mentioned and more...... why did they not take act and join with Hikind?

WILL YOU EVER KNOW WHERE YOUR UP TO?

Last night I went to slichos. And as usual I lost the place every few minutes. No I didnt lose it because I have ADD. I lost it since those little pamphlet like "machzor" for slichos have got it all wrong. At first it all worked out with flipping back, I didnt have a problem. It would show a lttle few words and I would know to go back where ever I needed. After a while I noticed it was inconsistent with what the Chazzan was saying and would lose my place.

Now if you have one of those fancy sidduim with slichos in order and no turning back you have no problem with the place as you cruise through all of it and clop your chest a few times then stand up for Shema kol'einu.And even these guys dont know where the shul is holding all the time. Then there are guys like me who on a normal slichos basis, dont know where the chazzan is and just says everything for that days slichos and sits around until everyone elses done.

Some people dont say anything. They sit and wait, Pretend to clop their chest and scream Vay'yavor Hashem A'al Panav Vay'yikra. They are the fakers and its hard to tell who to ask where you are up to if you really care.

So I ask is it really possible to keep pace with the chazzan not just one day of slichos (you should up to him every day) every day of slichos. I just dont see it happening.

YESHIVA HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUTS

In recent years there has beena plague of kids just not wanting to go through with the secular studies. They have become Yeshiva High School drop outs. Why would they like to drop is beyond any logic (real logic). Maybe its a knew kollel ad "Learn secular studies and forget about going to kollel". Or it could be "If you learn Secular studies you'll be so far from frum that you'll forget about kollel". Whatever it is, these guys/kids are dropping like flies (there are so many!!).

Soon there is going to be another question on the shidduch resume "Did you take secular studies in high school?". These guys/kids must know in advance that its coming, so I guess they are ready for it when the question comes around. After they pass the shidduch scene they will be moved to the kollel scene or part 2. How could you think that the people who drop out of secular studies be forced to work? (shame on you). They will be directly transferred to only the "best" kollel around where they wont last a while (being that they have 14 kids).

I was wondering what would you do if you don't even have a high school diploma?, and Chas V'shalom you have to stop the kollel business since you aren't making enough money and your wife isn't either making enough from her speech therapist job. What would you do? You wont be hired by anyone. If you try you may get to be a waiter at most or be the first Jewish taxi cab driver. One person gave me an answer that they can become a rebbi in a school, as if a rebbi makes so much money.

Many people are against this act of dropping out. I know the Yekis are very much against it. Then there are those people who are for it and don't allow their kids to get a secular education. I think its going too far, if you really want you can move back to your shtetle in poland.

ANOTHER GOOD REASON

Last week me and my sister (My sister and I if you prefer) were talking. Somehow or another came up about a certain individual. This person was an idea for a match with another some one we know that came from the same background as this person.

Then came the part were I noticed something. My sister said that "it wont work out dont even try". At first I asked why. She gave me a weird answer of they dont have the same personality. I quickly retorted and said "What you wont even let it have a shot". (this is were I notice). I then said you (and people like her) are the reason why there is a crisis. You never give anything a shot if it doesnt work out on paper it means it would never work. She then dissagreed and defended herself.

All I am saying is that you cant say nothing is going to work because you think so. How many shidduchim could have been made if people would try it out and how many werent because no one thought they can pair up. This is the reason for the crisis (one of them).

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF...

What would happen if the OU would lose its reputation of being a good hechsher? No good they're serving us treif, their rabbis took some bribes and let things slide. Or they didnt checkup on all their company's they watch. Maybe they were lenient to let the company's be able to meet the requirements. Whatever the case maybe what would happen?

At first the newspapers would go crazy about this making it the front page headlines for all except for the Jewish Press which would put something about Israel on the front (or tie it into israel somehow). The Hamodia, Yated and Mishpacha would all write its a "horrible thing to happen its a big disgrace to the Jewish community" and would bash the OU Saying " it was never really any good. The JP would defend the OU " the OU served the community for so long even though this scandal happened and it was a chilul hashem they will come back and fix it to serve the Jewish community once again".

Then onto people. They (we) would all be putting up different sides. One side would say it was all just a few people who were fired for this. The other side condemning anyone who eats OU to hell. Many people will be wondering whats a good hechsher. Some will be forced to have only the strictest of kashrut since the OU was the most lenient they trusted. Some already had the strictest of kashrut and would only want stricter. Others after this episode will only want the strictest, because who can you trust? On the other hand many will say what was wrong with other less stringent Kashrut than the OU before now, so they are still okay after.... right? What will the airlines serve for their Special Kosher Deluxe Meal. Then will come the Bans and chumros which in the end will call for quadrupled filtered lettuce and only Ba'adatz.

Are we not lucky that this didn't and hopefully wont happen? Are we not lucky for the OU is working hard all day to keep things available to us? Are we not? Yes, we are.

Dedicated to the hardworking people at the OU.

SHOFAR BLOWING THOUGHTS

I was in shul the other day. At the end of our morning services we all got to hear the great rams horn. When I first heard it I was thinking "Elul is here.....Shoots Yom Kippur is coming". Then I was thinking "I have to repent on all those sins I've made". I then was interrupted with the unworthy of a "Shofar blowing" sound.

This sound was not a typical shofar blow. No. It was far from it. Usually in a good blow you have this (hard to explain in words) fullness and power in it. Like a clarinet being played real well. Instead I got this air going through a tube which was being broken up into three parts then nine. Even the easier Tekiah (one full long blow no breaks) wasn't good.

So I wondered are you considered yotzei the mitzvah of shofar if the blow isn't a in full power and just air running through a tube?

WHAT YOU DIDNT SEE COMING.

You walk in to this shul. Its the one you mainly go to for a shabbos morning. You like it their since you know most of the people. Its a great place to chop a schmooze on either politics or baseball since the Rabbi cant really tell who is talking.

As you walk in you think to yourself this shul is great everyone gets along so well and the davening is smooth, maybe a little long. You sit down in your normal seat near your normal friends (at least you think their normal although you have had a bad taste in friends all your life). Of course you didn't make it on time, right when they started P'sukei Dzimrah, you came a good thirty minutes late and they were about to say Baruchu (pronounced Buh-ruch-oo).

After you settle down and Chazaras Hashatz (your main talking period besides for leining) has passed you say to yourself (out loud) I love this shul. You are wondering if the Rabbi will speak for a long time before K'riyas Hatorah (if you don't understand any of these terms please comment about it and I will translate). In the end the rabbi did speak for a long time and you used up all your bathroom breaks too early. Now you are thinking I should have took a nap like that guy over there (who cares if you snore).

It finally came the time to recite the holy torah portion of that week. You were hoping that you get invited to the kiddush club well sorry Mr. I have no good stories to tell. You tell yourself its okay there is a kiddush later. About this point in time the rabbi stops the leining for everyone to quiet down this makes you a little angry that the rabbi has the Chutzpah to tell you to be quiet. The next big thing to happen is there is a guy who gets an Aliyah to the holy torah and the one who calls him up, you know the guy who says Yamod So-and-so ben Whom ever Shvi'ee, forgets this guys first name.

This guy is no person to forget their first hebrew name. So now he gets offended and says how could you forget my name I have come to this shul for 2 whole years. So the gabbai who called him up says "Hey" in a whispered sort of tone "there are many people that come to this shul how can I remember all of their first Hebrew names". Well this guy ain't done and he makes a whole big commotion about remembering his name. Then comes two or more people defending the gabbai. And before you knew it the whole shul is one huge fight.

You decide to get in on the action and you say "You forgot my name when I was called up two weeks ago. Another guy says "yeh he forgot mine and I don't care you shouldn't either". Then the old men in the back get into it. The Rabbi just wants order and to finish up the davening but no one cares now. You are ready to throw your fist in someones face. Somehow a rather young guy (who seems to at the head of the gabbais campaign) is arguing with one of the oldies in the back. One of the Oldie's friends gets up and screams "You Nazi. He Vas in Da Var (war).

In some odd way davening ended. you are cursing out this once Beloved shul and all those who you opposed today. You say to yourself that shul never got along and everyone hated each other. How could you go to a shul like that. You then decide not to go to the kiddush which was sponsored by someone who was on the other side. You vow in anger never to go to a shul which cant remember your name. Also you are going to quit being a member of that shul.

In most shuls this doesn't happen (we can only hope) and will kiddush come next which you are waiting for so for kiddush read this.

SHALISH SHUDDIS (shalosh seudot, seudos shelisheet)

On Shabbos you are required to have 3 meals. Each one containing at least 2 loafs of bread we call them challa. The last meal has many different names each one derived from the same root. Some just deformed over the years into a new word which in reality means nothing.

Some people like to have there (I'll call it this way so as not to make people rack their brains trying to find out what I meant) 3rd meal in shul. In a shul it would have to be sponsored by some person on some rare occasion. People sponsor the 3rd meal for some of the most random reasons. Sponsored by so-and-so in Honor of him buying a pet dog or in the honor of the pet giving birth to another little thing. Some are little better at choosing what they sponsor it for. this 3rd meal will be sponsored by So-and-so in honor of his friend's, brother's, new son and then everyone goes MAZEL TOV, mazel tov, mazol tov, mazel tov and it fades away.

These 3rd meals in shul are usually made up of some sort of crackers that are never that good. Herring left over from the mornings kiddush or any other kind of fish. A little fresh cut melons (any kind) and one roll for yourself with nothing to go with it. The drink vareity is good with maybe a little of Dr. Brown. These are the 3rd meals that where the rabbi wants to sing he gets drowned out by everyone talking.

Then there are those that have the 3rd meal at home. I have heard of all these lets call them "inventive" ideas for the 3rd meal when its made at home. So some people have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Others have chulent or left over gefilte fish. I once heard a mother talking to her son in a local midwood store about this issue of what to have for the 3rd meal, She suggested to have cereal and milk, I don't know how they do that with the issue of eating milk and meat within a 6 hour period.

Either way, you'll never feel like you had a full meal and it always seems like your missing something. What are your ways to feed yourselves at the 3rd meal or do you chicken out and not have one (a 3rd meal).

EVERYONE GOES CRAZY OVER HAVEIL HAVALIM

Recently I have done a HAVEIL HAVALIM if you didn't know (you probably did). The funny part of it was that everyone goes crazy over this. What did you write about me thanks for the link. I have been hopping around blogs and I have noticed almost every other blog is trying to inform its readers that My Shrapnel is doing a post on everyone elses blog.

There are two reasons why people love them. One: They love the fact that all there hard work finally paid off and someone notices there blog. Which is weird since getting comments mean people care enough to write something on it, which then ultimately means they noticed. Anyway the fact that it was noticed enough to be written about and other people are looking at it must send chills down there spine.

Two: They love to be told about what they have already known about themselves from other people. For example "This certain blog (link added here) is a place to find humor and funny topics of randomness" this would make people say thank you in as many ways and languages possible. That's all for being told the truth about your blog. It could be both reasons that pop up in your mind, while your reading the part about you.

Now you may think (or may not), Mike From Midwood why are bashing the whole excitement of HAVEIL HAVALIM. Is it because you weren't written about??? Well its true I wasn't in it but I cant blame anyone besides myself I didn't ever post on that site and no that's not the reason for me writing this. See I too get this great feeling that everything I did is noticed and I too like it when people write things about me. Its fun to see there perspective of me. I believe thats with all of you too.