Wednesday, December 31, 2008

AS THE BALL FALLS SO DOES EVERYTHING ELSE

At exactly 12:00 01 (that is 12 o'clock and 1 second) the big ball in times square will have fallen, it will mark the end and the beginning of a new Gregorian year on your Gregorian calendar, so does it represent everything else that's gone on this year.

The stock Market has fallen: The Dow Jones, and other big stock organizations, have taken the plunge. For the first time in a lot of years we are lower than some number, excuse me if I gave up on were the market is these days. People have plummeted to their deaths, jumping off building, they couldn't take the fact they lost so much. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes how far we are from the top?

The economy has caved in: Now more than ever people are losing their jobs. Companies you would never have thought could go bankrupt did. Some disappeared, some merged. Doesn't matter what happened, it means that things are on a slope, that has been rained on for too long, and is ready to give way to all the pressure. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes how far we fallen from the top?

The missiles have came raining down: Israel has been attacked for months now, with a shower of Kassams every day. The region of Darfur has been in turmoil. Russia invaded Georgia. Gaza is being reduced to rubble. Iraq is still a danger, the shoes came raining down. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes just a hop wont bring us to the top?

The dollar fell: I went to Israel and the taxi drivers didnt really want the American money. The dollar even fell past the canadian one. It went back up but its falling again. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes that the world is fed up?

Eveything has been a downturn for the world. The people dont realize that the ball is just a symbol of all that has happened. They cheer, and wait in the frigid cold, all to watch everything fall. That ball will not go back up, not this year. What are they celebrating? its not something to be happy about.

Okay, so its been a very pessimistic post so far. Heres a little something to cheer you up.

The Gas price has dropped: From a high 4.30 something and maybe more, to the "we would have never dreamed so low" 1.83. We have what to be happy for. Was it the offshore drilling, or was it that we were about to look for alternative energy, that did the trick. As the ball dropped, they understood that these gas prices could not be topped.

Peoples blood pressure dropped: at least mine did.

What is it that dropped and was good or bad. What does the ball dropping symbolize to you, and would it be cooler if they actually dropped it from a building, watching it smash to ground.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

WHAT A BLAST

video

I enjoy watching this. Do you know how much accuracy had to go into this, and planning. Israel is doing a great job, and now they have a 48 hour break to see what hamas is going to do.

Monday, December 29, 2008

RATING THE BORO PARK BAKERIES part 3

After meeting up with Child Ish, we decided to (okay we planned it) hit some bakeries in boro park, to check out the sufganiot.

Korns bakery on 16th avenue: The price 1.20. I took a bite into it, hoping for something good, the taste was bland. The dough just didn't cut it, and the jelly was okay but too little of it. Service was okay. Taste is 3, and over all its a 4. Child Ish mistakenly bought a plain one, he was thinking of suing for his 1.20 back.

Schikks bakery also on 16th avenue: Price was 1.50. Very good, the jelly tasted like it was from apricots, very good. The dough was smooth and full of life. Can't remember if it was self service. Taste was an 8 and over all its got an 8.

Something (cant remember the name) Heimishe on 16th avenue: Price was 85 cents. They were pretty small, but packed with a lot of filling. It was self service. Taste was a 7, and over all was an 8.
Me and Child Ish questioned their Heimishness, basing it on Frum Punks old post about What Does Heimish Mean? In short Heimish means beards, and since there were only women behind the counter, It wasn't that heimish. Unless you say "because it was self service than the men with beards can get all their heimishness on it", and by heimish we mean dandruff from the beards, which is also known as confection sugar.

Then we went to Yossis on 15th avenue: We agreed this place was the most heimish. We also came to the conclusion heimish also means self service. At 1.50 a sufgania it seemed worth it; the guy behind the counter promised us it was the best. We tried, and found his words to be almost true. It had tons of confection sugar, very little jelly, although it was good jelly. Taste was an 8, all over a 9.

At this point in time I had 4 and Child Ish had 5, he bought two at something heimishe.

We went to Schreibers on either 14th or 15th avenue: Price was 1.00 and an okay size. There was self service. Pretty tasteless, and there was almost no jelly. Taste was a 4 and over all 3.

Then we slugged are way to the donut man on 13th avenue: Price was a dollar. We were skeptical about the taste. Turns out our assumptions were right; it tasted like a pancake with a little jelly in side. taste is a 2 and over all a 4.

Then we Davened mincha at Shomer Shabbos. We were bombarded with people asking for tzedakah this one guy came back 3 times asking for money. We shook all the fat away while we davened. After the afternoon services we set out again.

Strauss's bakery on 13th avenue: We were most satisfied with this bakery. 85 cents for a huge sufgania. The place did not have self service, we don't think its heimish. The dough was great, moist from all the oil, and jelly just came pouring out. It was definitely worth its price. Taste is a 9 and over all a 10.

Weiss's bakery on 13th avenue: 1.50 a piece. The outside was hard, once you got in it was okay. There was no self service. The jelly was good, but after a whole 2 hours of stuffing my face, I just couldn't finish. Taste was a 6 and over all a 7.

After this event, I cant eat another for a few years. G6 was right, I do have a stomach of steel, but child Ish has topped me; I had 7 and a half, and he had 9, so he gets the title of stomach of steel. As we were eating, I felt the fat tacking onto me. Our coats had tons of confection sugar, a badge of no worth, yet it showed us our skills. If eating sufganiot was a halacha, then we committed the sin of ba'al tosef (don't add to the torah).

That wraps up the the taste testing for good, and also marks the end of Chanukah. Hope you enjoyed it.

MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR

I love this time of year. Not only did Chanukah come, but the biggest present of them all came. I am just so happy.

Okay, now enough with the chit-chat. This is what I mean. Israel has finally decided to take action on Hamas, we will leave Fatah for later. After months of "Cease Fire" The Israeli politicians noticed that there was something wrong. Why was it that their country had tons of citizens, who had to hide every few minutes, hoping to stay alive? Then it hit them, WE ARE BEING BOMBED!!! "What in the world will ever stop these "civilians" from trying to kill us?" they wondered, "Don't we have a cease fire? surely we cant do anything to them". After much negotiation, which got no where, and shoe throwing, which did, The Israeli government decided to actually do something about it, and only after Hamas took down the "cease fire" did everyone agree.

An air strike, starting this past shabbos, was the first offensive; killing about 250-300 "innocent" people. Times like this make me feel happy, I am not a sadist. I actually like listening to the anti-Israeli news, it tells you more about all the "horrible" things the IDF does, and I like to hear what Israel does. While on the other hand a station like Fox gives me both sides, something I don't want.

Then there are those thing which make me shudder, things like The U.N. getting involved, and peace talks. You can tell I am so not a supporter of Kadima, or likud. If only Meir Kahane were still here today. After the things which make me shudder, there are those things which make me in a state of shock and bewilderment, something like this is what I mean: (begin Quote) "Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni told NBC that the assault came because Hamas, an Islamic group backed by Syria and Iran, is smuggling weapons and building a "small army." (end quote, Begin my rant) What??? Did she just say that its because of smuggling weapons, and the building of a small army. WHERE WERE YOU!! the past few months!! Do you not get that your country is in danger, not because of an imposing army and massive weaponry, but on the contrary, they were actually firing into your peoples homes, DAILY!!! over 120 the day of the air strike!!. What are you, stupid!! obviously we seee you are. And what do you think The U.N. will say to "fear of an imposing army", Do you think their reaction will go like this. The U.N. to Israel on behalf of tzippy : "Oh yeah, sure, go ahead. We understand your needs to protect yourself from an army, who can hardly hold itself up to the NYPD, that didn't even attack yet!". Hey! Tzippy! at least say the truth, don't lie about why you are air striking them!! ( Mike In Midwood says this while violently throwing a notepad and pencil)..... "Think STUPID, THINK!!" (as Mike In Midwood violently shakes Tzippy's brainless head).

Now I have to listen to some anti-Israeli news on the assault, to cheer me up. Don't bother me unless you agree.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

MEME, BUT ITS FOR URUR PLEASURE

So I have been tagged, to do a MEME. How its pronounced is questionable (me-me or meem).

Here are the rules: reach for the nearest book and write the 5th sentence, plus the next two to five, on page 56. Tag five people to do the same.


"I have one here too"She stood, untangled her arm from the sleeve of her hooded sweatshirt, and revealed her tattoo of the same Jewish symbol, entwined in a tattooed vine. I sat stunned not sure of how to react.

That came from sort of holocaust book. Got tons of them all around my house. (side note) Did anyone here of Nachmans seltzers new book network? I believe it to be stupid; stopping the 4rth reich, isnt that just crazy. And get this, only 3 people can stop it; a jew looking for his past, a priest, and a violinist whos dreams are being haunted by a rabbi. With out reading it I can tell they are all somehow related, or that rabbi in the dream is probably the priests grandfather. (end of side note).

Now comes the interesting part. I have to write seven facts about myself.

Rules: Tag seven people to do the same. Share seven facts about yourself, some weird some random. leave their names and link them. Let those who have been tagged know by commenting their blog.

Fact 1: I love Sufganiot. Yes they are fattening, and I manage to keep it off, at least I think so. I should probably weigh myself.

Fact 2: The name Mike in Midwood was founded due to the name Flatbush Gal. I needed a name, and was sort of thinking along the lines of her name. With Flatbush really being Midwood, hence the name Mike in Midwood. She disappeared unexpectedly.

Fact 3: There were points in time I felt like I didn't want to continue the blog. I had no interest. I posted things with no thought. then I got back into it, thanks to end of world, and then she disappeared. (whats with all these people inspiring me and drifting away).

Fact 4: Purim is my favorite Yom Tov. I don't get drunk. I just love all the dancing thats done. Thats also why I love Simchas Torah, Purims just better.

Fact 5: I am a very happy fellow, not much can make me mad.

Fact 6: I try copying the way Frum satire writes posts; its just very hard to think of ideas he hasn't written.

Fact 7: My Ipod only holds 20 songs, it can hold more. I am very picky when it comes to music, only the best make it to the Ipod.

So there is the whole thing, weird, random, and factual, everything a meme needs. To link the ones who chose me, it was actually two who did; The Babysitter, Material Maidel. to those I am linking; Child Ish Behavior and Samuel, Insanity now Serenity Later, Sally Hazel, Frum Single Female, Frum Skeptic, Frum Punk, and Guess Who's coming to dinner A.K.A. G6. Hope you enjoyed.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

RATING THE MIDWOOD BAKERIES part 2

Korns Bakery on Coney and Avenue N. The price was 1.20 (if I'm not mistaken). Taste was a 6 (out of 10). Service wasn't bad. Over all a 6. I didn't hate it, the taste of the dough was not as oily as I wanted, the confection sugar put a cover on that, but pretty good. It was the jelly that really ticked me off. I searched and searched, but all I could find was just a little jelly that wasn't enough to satisfy one mouth, but only through a miracle could it satisfy 8. Seriously be generous on the jelly.

Pressers on M between east 17th and east 18th. Frumskeptic I have to disagree. The way you judged them, made them seem as if they stunk beyond belief. Well they weren't bad. The dough was was good, and the jelly was okay it felt just a little clumped or congealed. the price was good at 1.10, even the service was good. Everything was good but not great. Taste is a high 6 ( I need more numbers), overall an 8.

Weiss's Bakery on M and 13th (corner). Price 1.25 a sufgania. The taste was great, I had myself licking my fingers. Tons of jelly, the dough was soft and moist. Service was nice. Taste was an 8 overall a 9. I liked it, hat tip to Sally Hazel.

Isaac's Bake Shop on J and East 14th between east 15th. A Nice place. the service was friendly, The taste was good; It wasn't that small nor that big. Jelly was tasty, At 1.50 I believe, I don't think it was worth it, or I was just full. Taste was 7, overall 6 0r 7 (depending if you count my being full).

A bakery (i think its called elis muffins) on the corner of 14th and J. The service was bad, I kept seeing looks of impatience, I asked for a jelly donut (person looked Asian, didn't think they would know hat a sufganiot is) and made a hand gesture (like most jews). She said its not going to be that small. Hey, I asked for something, I didn't want to know how big it was. I guess she probably thought I was pointing to something, it was pretty big. Cost 1.25. Jelly was congealed (I like it flowing). At first I thought it was okay, then dough was too dry, seemed like it was fried in glue. Taste was a 4. over all a 3.

Ostrovitsky's bakery on the corner of 12th and J. I didn't go in, so I don't know about the service. 1.25 it was. The jelly poured out, I bit into the wrong side and dropped some. I still had enough to fill my desire. Dough was moist, and a deep pocket of jelly. Taste was a 9, over all yet to be determined( and probably never will be).

Next Time, I'm off to Boro Park and all their bakeries, any special requests will be included. Ah freilichin Chanukah.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

New years is coming. I don't normally hold of it, in any sort of way. This year I decided to do something for it. I will make a new years resolution.

At first I had no clue what to make it on. I wanted to change some of my habits; be more considerate of others, blah blah blah. I needed something that would suffice, something that I can relate to. I thought of going on a diet, but I don't need to go on one (maybe after all this sufganiot I will).

I asked people to choose for me. One said "lend money, and tell people they don't have to pay back". I don't know what it was, that made me not agree with that one. Another said "how about a resolution to never make a resolution". I told him that people always break their resolutions.

Now at this point I was about to give up. I had no idea what I would make a resolution on. Too many ideas that just couldn't fit out in words, or I just couldn't keep up with. Besides all this, I told myself I would only make one. Then I thought of something that everyone wants, something that, when ever you make a resolution, you want it. I decided to CHANGE. I reinforced it saying, even our country is making a new years resolution for change. Our president elect is being inaugurated on January 1st; he ran on the "We need change" ticket.

I dont think I will end up keeping it, and neither do I think our president elect will, for every resolution is always broken, one way or another, in the end.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

HOPEFULLY NOT YOU ON CHANUKAH

You rush home to light the holy menorah. As you are passing a house, you see a Kenorah being lit. You laugh at the cheap imitation of your holiday. You wonder if they believe in Kenya Kwanzaa (He lives on mount Kilimanjaro), like you believe in Chanukah Chaim (or is it Elijah the Prophet, various different opinions in the Talmud). You come home to a house decorated, with only the most Hanukkah spirited items, such as (only paper ornaments made by kids in kindergarten); dreidels, a bubby making latkes, menorah's, and snow flakes shaped like Magen Davids.

You come to the front window, to light the Holy Menorah. You didn't prepare the Menorahs, nor did your wife. I guess she trusted the kids to not make a mess with all the oil. You say to yourself, " Its okay if they don't know how to pour, and they made a mess everywhere. In fact the oil is good for their hands, it acts as a moisturizer". You start off the first Bracha, having in mind every segula, with the most kavanah possible. The same goes with your second Bracha. You hand out the candle for everyone else to light, even your daughters light (actually this is a question if they should light, some even hold they cant).

You finish Maos Tzor, and you notice that across the street is a christian home. They have all those lights and trees, you shed a tear, crying to G-d, "why did I have to see this" (if you didn't get it by now, you are extremely frum, (why am I telling you this?, you should know y0u are frum)). Your wife tells you that, something looks like a fire hazard. You quickly object with "Hashem would never let such a great mitzvah, come back to haunt us". Your wife, being just as frum as you, agrees to this.

As you were discussing this matter, your daughters hair caught on fire, while examining her menorah. This happened through a candle (children have candles, you have the oil) falling out of its holder, because of bad positioning on your children's part (they set it up). Not only that, but the fact that your children spilled oil everywhere, the fire caught on. Your daughter screams her hair is on fire, You do not believe such nonsense, for how could G-d do this to you. Most of her hair burns off. The house is now in flames. The smoke detector starts to beep. After much thought, you decide its time to call Hatzaloh. You run outside, as your house looks like it could burn for the next 8 days. You ask your daughter, who gave her such a nasty haircut, and has she been smoking?

So all your great decorations go to waste. You begin to lament, how could G-d do this to you? what will become of your decorations? Suddenly you feel that famous inspiration coming, yes it has struck once again. You jump and say " It was my Goyish neighbor, who started the fire. He must have been jealous of my great decorations and festival of lights". The cops come over to you, for a report on what happened. You tell them, you are sure its the Goy across the street, with all those lights, who started it. You begin to sing Gam Zu Letova; you just remembered the insurance will kick in, and pay for everything. "G-d works in such mysterious ways" you say. You thank G-d and make a Shehechiyanu, one that you didn't make because it wasn't the 1st night.

Monday, December 22, 2008

RATING THE MIDWOOD BAKERIES part 1

Its Chanukah. So its time to eat all the sufganiot you can. Instead of wasting your money on places that have low class sufganiot, I did that for you.

Famous Pita on Coney Island Avenue: they go for 1.50 a piece. They are stingy on the jelly, pretty small pocket. Service seems good, although I went when nobody was around. The taste was a 5 (out of 10), and over all I rate it with a 4.

Pita Sababa(h) on kings highway and east 4th: 1.25 a piece. They have tons of filling, a big pocket full of it, best jelly, are hot, steamy,and pretty big. Service was quick. Taste was a 10. Over all a 10. If you are going to only one place, you go here.

J2 on M and east 15th: It went for 1.25. the jelly was smeared on (something I dont know what, maybe a bagel), not injectd, absolutely no pocket. It opened like a bagle. they had to heat it up before giving me it. taste was a 4 and over all, the rate is a 2.

Schreibers on M and east 31st: Pretty small, only a dollar. The jelly was good, not a big pocket. Service was good. Taste was a 6. over all the rate is a 7.

When I was at Schreibers, there was this one guy who was ordering. He was talking on his phone, trying to get down the order. Every few seconds, he would be changing the order around. Dude, how a bout getting your order together before you go in. Lucky for me, the guy behind the counter knew how to run things wel,l and got it all together. Right before this guy is about to leave he says, "Wait, none of those had powder". He was literally about to make the guy repack everything, after how hard he worked. In the end he didn't, and just left, allowing yours truly, to order.

Maybe Ill check out Boro Park too.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

GO GREEN WITH CHANUKAH

We all know the Neis of Chanukah. That one little pitcher of oil, that could only last one day, lasted 8. The weak triumphed over the great. As a result of all this, we light the Menorah 8 days, adding one each day. (as if you needed to know all this, its just an introduction).

Global warming is upon us, and we are letting out more CO2 emissions than ever. Its time to Go Green With Chanukah. The whole miracle of Chanukah was about conserving energy. G-d was going green, making one little jar of oil last eight days. Even though there are many ways of proving how it lasted eight days, the point is it was conserved.

This Chanukah, tell your children about ways to conserve energy, in the memory of this great miracle. Instead of lighting 36 cups of oil or candles; get an electric menorah, and turn it on with florescent light bulbs. Like all the Jew friendly banks do. If you do not own an electric menorah, please only use one candle all eight nights. It may not be a big difference for just one person, but if everyone does it, imagine how much CO2 won't be polluting our air. Remember, would G-d light all eight nights, with all that oil. He seemed to have used only enough for one night.

We know, we Jews use an extreme amount of oil, especially in our food. Do us a favor, don't have bubby use all that oil for a latke. We are only supporting the middle eastern countries, through using their oil; and we know how much the Jews love to give a helping hand to Iran, and Saudia Arabia. Yes we know you use olive oil, but its all oil.

Don't commit any of those environmental sins. As a great Rabbi of the Reform temple, named Sally Hershberg, said " The 11Th commandment from G-d was, keep the planet clean". So this time, find an "alternative way" to celebrate Chanukah.

Instead of singing Mah Os Tzor, sing a song that will instill, into the minds of the children, to save the environment. A song like this will do, to the tune of "oh Chanukah"

Oh Chanukah Oh Chanukah come turn on (light switch) that menorah.
With no CO2 emissions, now that's keeping the Torah. (11Th commandment)
Gather round the table Ill tell you a story
Where we all listen to Ex vice president Al Gory

And while the candles are not on very bright (its an electric menorah and on dim)
One on each night to conserve all the light (keeping Halacha here)
to remind us of the days long ago (the miracle of 1 for eight days)

One on each night with a florescent light (more energy efficient ways)
to remind us of the days long agoooo.

To all, have a happy and Green Chanukah.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

WHY BE AN ATHEIST

In the end, you will see why its mathematically stupid to be an atheist.

Step one: You cannot prove G-d doesn't exist. If you try to question why G-d did something, or why he created something. You can always say "G-d put it there as a test to see if you believe". Therefore you can not prove G-d does not exist. Also G-d is not physical so you cant prove that he doesn't exist with something physical. This also works the other way making it fifty fifty. So there is 50% chance that if you are an atheist you are wrong.

Step two: We all know that G-d spoke to the Jews at mount Sinai. All other religions they had one guy who heard G-d. No religion disputes that G-d spoke to the Jews. There were about 3,000,000 people at Mount Sinai when G-d spoke to them. So the only way for for you to prove that this didn't happen is for you to say that A) it was big hoax. Which is highly unlikely for 3,000,000 people with the rest of the world agreeing, to make a big hoax. B) It was Aliens making the big show at mount Sinai. Aliens were never proven to exist. Or C) time travelers went back and with loud speakers and special effects to make the big hoax. Going back in time was never a theory, it was only to go into the future, and time traveling never happened cant prove it exists. This brings us, with some kindness on the atheists part, to about 85% that G-d exists, and 15% G-d doesn't.

Step three: All the Miracles G-d did for the Jews are believed by all. Once again, the only way to disprove this is with the three answers before, which are highly unlikely. Pushing this, once again with kindness on the atheists part, to 92% G-d exists and 8% G-d doesn't. Now going with 8% is a big risk to take. You are going to burn for this, according to all religions. Does it make sense to go with an 8% chance you are wrong? obviously not.

This was invented by a 16Th century mathematician if I am not mistaken.

Monday, December 15, 2008

MORE GREAT INVENTIONS

After coming out with, the pre cut toilet paper, and tefillin sweater, the company that made them, came out with a few other ideas.

The Mitzvah Muzzle. For all those times in middle of Chazaras hashatz, you feel you just need to talk. Don't worry any more with the Mitzvah Muzzle you wont be able to speak to anyone, helping you keep halacha. It also comes with garlic breath, to chase away those who wish to talk to you. If you Buy now, we will throw in the Lashon Hara Gag, for 50% off.

The Blinders. Have you ever walked anywhere besides Meah Shearim? Do you know how much Pritzus there is out there? With the Blinders you will be able to walk freely, without having to see anything immodest. This great device injects a green poison, into your eyes, every time something immodest passes bye, blinding you till it passes. Long term affects include complete blindness.

When was the last time you couldn't remember when you ate Fleishigs? Never will you have to remember. The Fleishig Alarm will tell you. All you have to do is press the "ate" button and automatically it will beep 6 hours later. It attaches to your belt, or fits in your pocket, or placed it on your dashboard in your car. Included in this offer, is The Milchig Alarm. It will beep five minutes after you ate to remind you, you can eat fleishigs.

We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item, over night. Available with name tags.

Hashgacha Bar Code Reader. Ever wonder which hasgachos are not deemed worthy enough to keep. With this new Hashgach Bar Code Reader you don't have to think at all. Just run the Hashgacha under the reader, and a sign will appear to tell if its worthy enough.

Remember if order within the next 10 minutes, you can get all this, at the low price of 399.9 (no that decimal is not in the wrong place, oh wait it is 3999.9).

If you thought these where useless, how about that Tefillin sweater they made, with Zipper sleeves. To tell you the truth I can roll up any sweater, no problem. If you have any other ideas share it, don't patent it.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

INTRODUCING THE LATEST IN TECHNOLOGY!

Have you ever wondered what to buy someone, for Chanukah? Well now you don't have to look any further. Introducing the latest in modern technology...... The Kosher Phone. Years of modelling, and enhancing this scientific achievement, have come through for the average man. Previously used by the army in the gulf war! Equipped with nothing but what you actually need! It has no camera or text messaging abilities! One scientist who worked on this said "It took us five years (1984-1989) to develop this. Who knows what limits mankind can reach with this?" No more complicated phones. This is simple, and easy to use.

Get up to date with technology, and get The "new" Kosher Phone.

a non paid advertisement.

Friday, December 12, 2008

MAGEN DAVID (spoof on pyramid)

Welcome to Magen David, the show where we evaluate shidduchim. Yeshivah bochur walks in. "Heeeeeres your host... Random Shadchan" Says the announcer. Rabbi guest walks in. Random Shadchan tells us what the winner will get "The winner of this; gets a shidduch date, with a girl who calls herself, not your typical bais yaakov girl". The crowd cheers. Yeshivah Bochur sits down in his seat, rabbi sits across from him. "Remember the rules" the shadchan says "There are five questions, rabbi you cant tell the bochur the actual answer, only hints. When you get it correct, you will hear a Ding! sound, okay.

You have 20 seconds on the clock. The topic is Life. start now! Rabbi doesn't understand how to work the computer. Bochur tells him "just read whats there". Rabbi understand now. 12 seconds left. Rabbi hints "Where you go after you are married". Bochur "Kollel!". Ding! Random Shadchan says "good job, you are now one step closer to the prize". We stop for commercial break, on the all Jewish network Shidduch Central.

Host Random Shadchan welcomes us back "Welcome back, and as you were gone, Yeshiva Bochur has passed to the third round. He answered a tough question, on the topic of yeshiva, with "White shirts only". Once again 20 seconds on the clock, Topic for this is, Not So Bad, and start". Rabbi to Bochur "I tell you something" Bochur to Rabbi "I listen, speak, daven? Rabbi back to bochur "A rosh yeshiva says don't do something for no apparent reason". 8 seconds left. Bochur back to rabbi "Listen no matter what" Ding! "Well done" Random Shadchan says "all you have to do is get these two questions left on the Magen david, correct, and you are an okay shidduch match". Crowd cheers.

"Okay 4rth round, Yichus is the topic, the clock begins now". Rabbi "Personal questions". Bochur "my childhood, my hashkafa, My mother learns, my looks?" Rabbi "heritage". Bochur " Yichus, My yichus?". 6 seconds left. Rabbi " to some is embarrassing but to you okay" Bochur " Your great uncle wasn't frum mine was!". Ding! Host " very close but you got through". All you have to do is answer this last question, and you have passed, this harsh shadchan question course".

"Last question, don't let the pressure get to you" Shadchan says "one last time 20 seconds, the topic is Useless questions from shadchanim, and here we go" Bochur looks nervous. Rabbi begins to stutter, thinking of what to say. "uh uh uh, You use it on shabbos." Bochur "shabbos coat, shabbos hat, shabbos lamp.... shabbos toilet paper?" 10 seconds left on the clock. Rabbi "Shabbos table, kiddush, stains". 5 seconds left. Bochur "Plastic table cloth?" 2 seconds left " uh uh uh uh". BZZZZT. "Times up" the host says "sorry, the answer was white shabbos table cloth, not to be confused with, the modern orthodox plastic table cloth. Don't worry for a backup prize, we give you the "out of the box" YU girl".

Thanks for joining us on this wonderful show. All guests will receive a 10$ gift certificate to Eichlers (fine print: 10$ in Eichlers cant buy you anything). See you next time on Magen David.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

RANTING ABOUT BAIS FAIGA

You may already know, that the school, Bais Faiga, has closed its doors to 1800 students. The teachers, as you might have assumed, got late, or no pay at all. This school had a strict policy. You work and your children don't get in, you are in Kollel and they do. If the Kollel family, has no means to support themselves, how the hell do you think, they can support the school. Do you think they would pay full tuition? A normal Yeshiva can hardly stand, thats with people paying full tuition! Now you understand the tuition crisis.

The school was for sure teaching the kids to live a Kollel life. Then the merry-go-round continues, but this time, with even less money. Now the Yeshiva is going around collecting money, to keep up the same stupid rules, they had before. Albert Einstein said "insanity is trying the same thing, the same way, over and over again". This Yeshiva is INSANE!! And where do you think they are getting this, new found money from? Not someone in Kollel. They get it from the working class, the same ones they don't let into their school.

How could one institution say please give us money, and at the same time bash the ones giving them the money. Oxymoron's!!! It turns out, not only is this a problem for the girl school, the same is about to happen to the boys school. Did I mention this place is in Lakewood? G-d grant the people of Lakewood, some brains. The congregation answers. Amen.

Monday, December 8, 2008

THEY COULDNT HAVE DONE WORSE

If you look on that red circle you will notice it says "Yes 0 trans fat" and then "No hydrogenated oils". At least the ending was okay, but the "Yes 0 trans fat". Learn some grammar!!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

IF THEY HAD A BLOG...

Chava (wife of Adam) being the first mother of all would have a blog named My take on motherhood. No explanation needed. She did sort of fail, her child was killed.

If Noach would have had a blog, it would be named, The Babysitter Writes. You know how many little, wild, things he had to take care of, and feed; while G-d was out (literally) hitting the town.

Abraham would have named his, Not just typical. He really wasnt the typical person, running around defying all that was known.

The guys who built the Migdal Bavel would be, Insanity Now, Serenity Later. Only insane people would build a huge building to fight g-d, or hold up the sky, too bad the serenity never came.

Lot the nephew of Abraham, would be a Frum Punk. Hes frum, but just following, like a punk.

Sarah would not be a Material Maidel. Really, following a guy who said g-d spoke to him, and is going to make him rich. No way she was expecting a material life.

Yitzchak would surely be Something of Zion. Hey, have you ever been so attached to Israel, you wouldnt leave it, even if there was a famine, or to look for your spouse?

Yaakov is obvious. He would be Jacob Da Jew. He might even manage two blogs; one I mentioned before, and the second, being since he was so honest, Honestly Frum.

Eisav (Esau) surely would have made one named Guess who coming "late" to dinner? Himself. after Jacob, stole all the Berachos, through giving his father a meal.

Rachels is Frum Single Female; waiting for that Jacob. (Im pushing it, I know)

Yosef has got to have one Frum In South Egypt. I think It was south egypt he ruled over at the time.

Benyamin, his brother, would have been Wolfish Musings. Benyamins sign is a wolf.

All 600,000 jews in the dessert shared one blog Frum House in the dessert. They were all in one cloud. They all shared it till, Korach and his gang bacame the Frum Skeptics. They were skeptical of Moshe taking the leadership role and Aaron becoming the Big Kahuna.

Ezra Hasofer would be Torat Ezra.

Queen Esther had one to show her Jewish Side, named, Esther Hadassah's blog.

To all those I couldnt fit in, dont feel sad. I couldnt fit mine in either. Ill link you guys anyway. Frum College girl (see why I cant fit it in), Frum satire (if you consider Koheleth as satire fine), Welcome Balance, Res Ipsa Loquitor, Sporadic Intelligence.

Hope you all enjoyed (cant say this out loud) Havel Haveilim.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

CHANUKAH IS COMING!!

I love Chanukah for it brings back great memories. In school we would take the latkes they gave for lunch; stick a wick in it, light it, and watch how long it takes to burn out. How I used to stay up all 8 nights waiting for Hanukah Harry or Chanukah Chaim. Most of all I like Chanukah for a good Sufgani'ot. I don't know where to find some good ones around. Anyone have a clue? I know this post is a little early, but I am desperate.

Friday, December 5, 2008

WORLD OF CHUMROS

You wake up to your kosher alarm clock, playing only the most kosher radio. You hit the "I am not a visikin guy" button. A few minutes, later it plays a again, to the tune of Wake Up by Lipa, or is that not frum enough? You press the "I am up for shachris" button. You lean over to your mikveh, beside your bed, and wash your hands. You go to the kitchen, which has your own personal Mashgiach, to make sure all is glatt kosher. You open your refrigerator, and reach for a bottle of Lakewood Orange juice, which is made in Brazil and Florida, but you didn't know that. You step outside your house, walk to the correct part of the street, made just for men.


You notice a woman being beat for walking to her house, which is on the men's side of the street. You say to yourself "she deserves it". You go to your yeshivishe car, where the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn. You turn on the Kosher GPS, to guide you to the kollel. You close your eyes while you drive, for perhaps, you may see a woman on the street. You rely solely on your GPS, to tell you when to turn. You walk into the kollel, and put on your kosher tefillin (we hope its kosher).


You are done shachris. You begin to do, whatever it is you do in kollel, which is nothing. You pull out your kosher phone and start talking to people on it. You wonder, "Could you do anything else with a phone besides talk"? You think "surely not; otherwise, in our advanced society, it would be done". You go out to smoke. You pull out your box of Badaatz certified cigarettes, and enjoy this wonderful life you have.

A person comes over to you. He offers a shidduch, for your daughter. You ask all these weird questions. After you are finished, you decide he is a good match. You reasons to this are; He wants to be supported by me who can hardly support himself, and two, he is a complete copy. of all the other guys around, he must be good.


You are late for the afternoon Hock. You rush, as to not miss all the gossip. You hear in a distance "did you hear what happened to Baruch Chaim's wife? It turns out she got lynched, for being on the wrong side of the street". Next guy says, "That's a shame, its his second wife this week". You pipe in "Yep, well women have to know better". Then a guy says "Did you see what YWN wrote?" You all inquire about, what exactly YWN is. This guy tells you, "Do you have the net". You answer "A fishing net?" "No no no", says the guy "I mean the Internet". You then all learn all about the Internet.


All of a sudden, you are thrown into a vortex of thought. All the things you knew about your life, are flushed down the drain of reality. You ask this person to "hand you the net". He realizes you don't get what it really is. He shows you everything. You were shocked when you found out that, there are actually other civilizations, and not too far away.

You go home. You have a talk with your wife. She says she doesn't believe you. You begin to fight with yourself. "why did my community withhold this knowledge from me? Did they think they cant trust me?" and then "Well I like the fact that, my community cares about me". A bolt of insight hits you. Your phone really can do more than just talk, and why is it that you cant have more money? Also you want to choose your own lifestyle and not be born into one.

You decide, that's it, you are going off the derech. You leave you community (your wife and family didn't come along). You are driving out of town, Wait! there are no roads to out of town, or so says your GPS. You decide to look up when you drive now (a sin that in your old community deserved lynching). You are heading out of town. You find a new community that allows you to have choice. Back in your old place. Your wife and family, are being excluded from the community. If this family can produce such a heretic, then they all don't belong in the community.Oh, and that shidduch you made isn't going to work out.

You finally wake up, from this awful dream you had. You thank G-d that you live in a world, where you can choose the way you wish to serve g-d, and walk on any side of the street you want. You say "Thank g-d I am not (charedi) born into that.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

I was on a city bus in Israel. One of those Charedi packed buses, with guys who decided to not use deodorant. The stench being so unbearable, you can actually smell armpit (gross, I know). Being that I wished to breathe, I sat in an area where, there were more women.

The bus got really crowded, to the point were I gave up my seat, to a woman. The Charedi men were infuriated, and started to beat me with their smelly arms. How dare I give up my seat to a woman. I defended my case, Rosa Parks like, I wouldn't take the seat. Kidding, that's not what happened. She called me a Tzaddik, for giving up the seat. She made a real big deal about, how nice I was. Half the words out of her mouth, I couldn't understand, but I got the gist of it.

Now when I ride the train or bus in New York, it is common for me to give up a seat, and I think nothing of it. For some reason she thanked me. Then it hit me. Charedi people don't do this. They will never give up a seat, nor be kind to another person. The fact that most Chareidim, ignore the common rules of Derech Eretz. I finally got something out of it, I felt good, for doing such a small deed.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

WHAT A YESHIVA CAN DO

We all remember when Chaim Berlin banned the sheitel store, across the street, for showing woman's faces in the window. The owner didn't want to listen to them and kept it up. After a while of no business, the wig store closed down. They took away the faces of women; instead, they hung sheitels (without faces) in the window. They have now reopened with 30% off sale. Do you see what a yeshiva can do? they can get a store to have a sale. I think the Yeshivos are too influential.